Donkeys: Ninjas of the Animal Kingdom

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I reckon I’m going to get me a pet donkey. 

For one thing it’d be a really useful thing to have when you’ve just arrived back from the supermarket and have more carrier bags in the trunk of your car than you’re able to take inside with you in one go.

But mainly it’s because they are the ultimate stealthy killers – the perfect tool for killing off people you don’t like very much.

As we all know, more people are kicked to death by donkeys than they are in plane crashes.  Think about it – that’s a pretty impressive achievement for dumb little Eeyore.

And all these donkey deaths were caused by accident.  Just imagine what an effective killing machine my little donkey would be if I got an animal trainer in to hone the beast of burden’s natural murderous talents?

I’d get the animal trainer to teach it to kick back with its hind legs when I spoke a secret command word.  Like ‘toast’, perhaps.

They’d never see it coming, and that’s the beauty of having a pet killer donkey. Now if I had a pet wolf, lion, tiger, crocodile or shark, then people would be a bit wary of it.  But what harm could come from a cute little donkey, with all of the associated sweet childhood memories of rides on the sand?

While I would be chatting with my unassuming enemy, who would probably be admiring my odd choice of pet, I’d be subtly maneuvering it round so that its hind legs would be in the optimum strike position and then it would be ‘toast’ followed by ‘SPLAT’.

I would then naturally express surprise, horror and alarm that my sweet little donkey could have performed such a heinous act.  I might even spank my donkey.

But then, I’d shake my head sadly, shrug and tell the shocked onlookers, “well he should have been a bit more careful really.  After all, they’re responsible for more deaths than plane crashes, you know.”

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